57

 

       SUSAN

 

    How do I look?  I don't want the answer.  The mirror on the visor tells me.  I look terrible.  Too pale.  Lips too dark.  She'll say something about the circus being in town and laugh.  I try to rub the blusher deeper into the skin beneath my cheekbone, smooth it out, make it more as if it weren't there.

    What difference does it make?  They won't be looking at you anyway.  This is your father's day.  Let him have it.

    I just don't want to give her anything to work with.

    Does it really make a difference?  If she's going to pick at you, it won't matter what you do.  It's all up to her.  You don't have any control over it.  I wouldn't worry about it though.  I have a feeling she'll be having a hard enough time holding her own to bother with you too much.

    What do you mean? 

    Like I said, this is your father's day.

    You can be so exasperating at times.  So?

    Well, you don't think she's going to let him get all the spotlight, do you?

    I look at him.  He seems so secure, his arm cocked against the car door, his right wrist curled over the steering wheel.  You have it all figured out, don't you?  You know word for word what's going to happen, don't you?

    He smiles.  Word for word, no.

    But you have a pretty good idea?

    Pretty good.

    Oh, you're so smug!  I hate that.  You want to let me in on it?  How will I know if you're right unless you tell me before?

    You used to like it.

    Come on, give.

    I didn't know we were playing a game.

    I thought you were the one who told me all about it.

    I meant you and me.

    I look at him again.  This time he is looking at me.  I smile and avert my eyes.  I go back to the mirror.  Somebody will say something--Doug, Eric, somebody--about my hair.  They always do.  I wonder why that is.  I'd never think to say anything about how they look.  Although I could.  Don't you want to prepare me?

    No.  It won't hurt.

    Oh come on.  Somebody's bound to start with me.

    Not somebody.

    Okay, my mother.  I just don't want to give her anything to work with.  She's bound to say something about my being pale.  She'll say it's the city or my diet.  What do you expect?  You eat all that rabbit food and don't get any sun, what do you expect?

    Well, isn't it?

    She'll make my father think I'm sick.  He'll get on me and worry about it and

    Don't worry

    You can say that.  You don't have anything to worry about.

    Why?  They don't say anything to me?

    But it doesn't bother you.  He doesn't say anything, but the car gets silent in spite of the radio.  He's so hard to figure sometimes.  I gave up long ago. Well, I try something new, I think it's nice that it's Daddy's day, as you put it.  I don't think you're very nice about it.

    What did I say?  You won't get any argument from me.

    It's the way you say it.  You're so          I don't know          condescending about it.  You act like you think it's cute or something.  I don't think it's very nice.

    Sorry.         

    It's about time he had his day.  He's had to put up with a lot.  He's given a lot and never asked for much.  Me moved back here after all those years.  Gave up a lot.  Just because my mother wanted to be closer to here or something.  I don't know, but it was her that wanted to move.  He was happy there.  I've never heard him say a word about it.  And the way she talks to him, especially in front of Eric.  Some men          but not him.  I never understood why he took it.

    I thought you thought it was love.

    And you said it wasn't enough.

    He shrugs.  Maybe it is for him, who knows.  Obligation, fear, you children, something we don't know about at all.  Maybe she's great in bed.

    I can't help but laugh.  You!  We exchange glances as if to say, You don't think so, do you? and laugh again.

    Tears of laughter mess up my eyes.  I really look like a clown now.  Looking in the mirror, daubing my cheeks with a tissue, I think about what he said.  Fear?  You think he's afraid of her?

    No.  Of trying something new, different.

    And that would make him hang on?

    Stranger things have happened. 

    I hope not.  I hope that's not all it is.  That seems so sad.

    I wouldn't worry.

    Why?

    Well, he's done something for himself now.  If it was fear, then, well, it'll bring things to a          I don't know, but it'll be different.  We'll see.

    What will we see?

    I don't know.

    Ah ha!  I got you to admit it!