45

 

       ART

 

    The voices below are just a rumble; I can't make out anything they're saying.   I imagine they're playing cards.  That old man could play with cards twenty four hours a day if anybody would play with him.  I never could stay interested in it for more than a few hands.  A weird game.  Just when you think you got it they spring something new on you.  They say not, but it always seemed that way to me.  That probably had something to do with why he never liked me.  Earl'd play with him all night long sometimes.  But then again, he never really liked Earl that well either.  Maybe it was just that he was him and I was me.

    But now we're both yous.  I did it, didn't I?  It's almost done.  Another month, and it'll be done, and I did it for me.  Not for you, not for any of you.  Well, good ole Art matters to somebody now, even if it's only to himself.  The roof is warm against my back, the little bit of heat left from the long day coming back on me as I lay here.  Otherwise, it's a little chilly; there's a breeze.  It's clear.  The stars are there by the thousands and thousands.  I hit so many nails in the last months I couldn't begin to count them.  Stairs.  Closets.  Floors.  Windows.  Lord, what ain't I done?  But my arm doesn't feel like it did.  That's something.

    They laugh on the porch.

    Were you once like me?  I never really thought about that.  Maybe you were once a me and had to become a you to save yourself from being a nothing.  What's that mean for me?  Where's that leave me?  Maybe you were a family man and that's what it did to you.  Family man.  What a choice.  You or Earl.  An old whatever it is you are or dead.  Is that all there is?  I always thought of you as always being like you are now.  What if you used to try and tried until you couldn't anymore.  Is that what it does?  I never gave you credit for any dreams or even any feelings.  And I can't even ask you because it's so long dead in you--if it was ever there--that you'd just look at me and frown, if that.  Oh Lord, I'm tired.

    As I go down the ladder, a breeze comes up through the trees.  Sweet.  The smell is oh so very sweet.  I close my eyes and inhale deeply.  When it's like this, I can almost understand you.  The apples and the peaches and the grapes over on old Miss Peck's back porch arbor.  And there's even something sweet and good about the pile of cow manure sitting there waiting to be spread over the garden when it's done.  Crickets and cicadas.  A dog down the street.  Somewhere somebody calls somebody in a voice that is strained and high.  These things too are smells.  In the night everything has a smell.  I'm very sorry, old man.  Really.

    I lay the ladder flat on the ground and go around to the front of the house.  Lorraine and Elvira are there in the darkness, the yellow light from the kitchen striking the backs of their heads; I can't see their faces.  Ladies.

    Oh!  You frightened me, Art.

    I'm sorry, Elvira.  I thought you heard me coming around the house. 

    I guess we were just gabbing away, she answers.  She smells of talc.  I just made some lemonade.  Can I get you some?

    No.  I pull up a lawn chair and sit a few feet away from them, the chair turned a little so I can see them both.  No, I'll get myself some a little later.  Right now I just want to sit down for a minute.

    Lorraine just sits there.  I cannot make out her features, but I know she's looking at me.  For some reason it makes me very uncomfortable.

    I can understand that, Elvira says.

    What?

    Well, you been at it all day.  I can see why you'd want to sit down a bit.  If you'd like me to get you that lemonade then, just tell me.

    Nobody made him stay up there on that roof until after dark, Lorraine's voice is harsh.  Something about the night makes it worse than usual.  I'm glad that they can't see me wince.

    Thank you, Elvira, I say.

    They are quiet for a few minutes, but it is not long before I'm forgotten.  It hasn't been very loud over at Culp's lately.  Been quiet all week.

    Uh huh, I don't know what it is.  Maybe Bud was up and read them the riot act, but they shut up.

    I thought maybe somebody moved out.

    Not that I know of.  I haven't seen that one girl--the one that drives that little yellow car--but that don't mean anything.  She comes and goes at all hours.

    Lorraine's head shakes slowly.  And those little children.  She must have three

    Four

    and never the same man around for more than a week at a time.

    And a blessing it is, the way some of them act.  Why, last summer I almost called the police a couple of times.  I thought one of them was going to kill that little boy.  And he's such a sweet little fellow.  He's over at my place anytime of the day or night.  Lady, he says, Lady, you seen that car I had?  He has those little metal cars, you know.  That one day I came out and he was sweeping my side porch.  Just pushing that broom for all he was worth, and I said, What are you doing there?  And he says, just like a grownup, Oh, just tidying up.

    They're always so dirty.     

    Well, you can't blame them for that.

    I just wish Bub Culp would pay better attention to who he rents his apartments out to.

    You know Crystal Baumgardner, don't you?

    Yeah, what about her?

    I saw her in Kresge's the other day, and she asked about you.

    About me?  I hope you didn't tell her anything.

    Why not?  What was it I wasn't supposed to say?

    Nothing, but you know how that woman is.  I can go without seeing her for six weeks and she'll come up gushing like I saw her the day before, saying anything about anybody.  And then she starts to pump you.  You'd think she was writing a book.

    Well, if she's going to say things--true or not--I don't see the harm in

    Oh, Elvira, you never did have the sense God gave snapdragons!

    Well, she said Wanda wrote her from Indianapolis and said she'd be coming back for a visit some time in the fall.

    I suppose that'll make somebody happy.

    Oh, Lorraine.  You and Wanda used to me like that.          

    Yeah, well

    Well anyway, Crystal thought you'd want to know.

    Uh huh.

    She said she stopped going to Gardening Club because there was talk of raising the dues again, and I just thought anybody that can drive a car like that can certainly

    Some people just have no sense of priorities.  How many women do you see in the IGA wearing diamonds on every finger and picking the fattiest ground meat they can find?

    I listen halfheartedly, smiling to myself and anticipating Lorraine's responses.  There is a pause now and I jump right in.  Well, it looks like I just might do it after all.

    They both look my way, staring at where I am in the darkness.  I feel a chill.  I wait for one of them to say something.  Lorraine finally looks away.  Bringing her hand up to support her chin, she stares down the street.

    Do what?  Elvira asks.

    Finish it.  The house, I hurry it, sensing that the opportunity is short.  I wasn't so sure I'd ever get it finished.

    Why on earth would you think that, Art?  There wasn't any reason that you wouldn't finish it.  Was there?

    No.  I guess not.  It's just that it seemed            There was just so much to do and I

    You know, I know what you mean.  Some weeks I just don't think I'm ever going to get my laundry all finished,  No matter how much I do, it always looks like I didn't do anything.

    got so tired sometimes.

    Just look at that!  You'd think somebody would do something about that.  Lorraine continues to stare down the street, her voice coming from over her shoulder.  They must have four cars in that yard.  An eyesore.  You'd think there'd be a law against letting a place get like that.

    Well, you know that's the way they always were.  I recall Daddy saying that their father was the same way.  Some people are just slobs.

    Well, it doesn't do much for the neighborhood.  The property values can't help but          If we wanted to sell this place, we'd have a devil of a time.  We couldn't

    There were times I just didn't think I'd ever have those walls done, and all of a sudden it's almost over. The cabinets are supposed to be in Monday.  I ordered the siding.  I got the upstairs ready to be patched and painted.  Just got that one wall to finish drywalling downstairs and

    Oh, I meant to ask you, were Susie and Wes down last weekend?  I recall you saying they were going to be down, but I forgot to ask if

    Yeah.  They were here for a little while.  Long enough to eat.

    Well, I would have come up, but Janice was down with the boys and

    Oh, she's down to your house pretty near every day.  You could have brought them over.

    Well, Derek was sleeping, and that Jimmy is just into everything.  He never stops.  And I thought you don't have any grandchildren, and there's no reason to have you afflicted with somebody else's.  I wasn't sure when they'd be here.

    Well, like I said, she wasn't here long.  Long enough to eat and look around.  I gave her some of those Summer Rambos--they were just getting ripe--and some cherries.  I told her that they were baking apples, but I'll bet you she goes right home and starts eating them raw.

    Oh, Susie knows the difference between baking apples and eating apples.

    Lorraine just gives her a scornful glance.  Well, I told her.  Didn't I, Art?

    Yeah, I nod and slide down further in the chair.  You told her.

    I told her that we were having a picnic for Labor Day.  She said she'd be down,  but I wouldn't

    I'll be done by then.  It'll be done.  We'll be moved in.  We can make ia house warming.

    count on it.

    Oh, Lorraine.

    Well, she's  not reliable.  You know that, Elvira, as well as I do.

    I think I'll feel like celebrating.  It's not every day a man finishes up something like this.

    I know I hear you saying it, but I don't recall her being so unreliable.

    Something he can be proud of.  Something that took him    a long time.  I can tell you

    Well, she's not down here every whipstitch like Janice.

    Heavens Lorraine, she lives four or five hours away.  Janice is hardly out of town.  That's got nothing to do with reliable anyway.  I don't recall her

    there were times I was scared.  Scared I wouldn't be able to finish it.  That something would go wrong.

    ever saying she'd be here and then not showing up.  And anyway, you know you wouldn't want here over here all the time--every whipstitch as you call it.

    Well, you don't recall everything.

    I sit there just listening.  Not to them but to the silence in between them.  It's almost unbearable, waiting for one of them to say something to me or for her to laugh.  But it doesn't come.  I've never said that out loud.  That I was scared.  I don't think I ever even said it to me, never let myself know.  But she doesn't laugh, and I realize they probably didn't hear it.  My voice had dropped to where I was just talking to myself, mumbling like an old man.  All of a sudden I feel like I'm the only one, that no matter what I do, I'm the only one that'll ever hear it or feel it or know about it.  It's a feeling like nothing else.  Freedom.  I can do anything.  I can fly, because it's the fear of seeing someone see you fall--not the falling--that stops you.  I can handle it myself.  It's like when you're a kid and you pretend you're invisible.  You can do anything if people'll just ignore you.

    I've always been scared, I try, but neither of them acts as though they've heard.  A man is always scared.  I guess a woman is too, I don't know.  It's like the man said, it's being scared that scares you the most.  And the acting like you're not.  I did this because I was scared.  All this.  This whole damned house.

    Did you see Missus Lehman at church last week?  She said she wanted to speak to you.

    Heavens no!  I haven't been to church all this summer.  You know Lorraine, I swear I'm becoming a heathen.  Ha.  I just wake up and look at the clock and roll back over.  It's terrible, but I just don't seem to be able to          I don't know.

    I think she wanted to talk to you about that housewares party.  You know, I think the most of that stuff is junk.

    Come to think of it, I bet you he wanted me to do it because he was scared.  And I did it because I was scared and Eric is like he is because he's scared.  I don't know what of, and I don't care.  I did it--all of it--because I was scared of not ever doing anything and then I was scared I'd not finish it and that I'd been right, that I wasn't ever going to do anything.  And now that I'm close          And then I'll be scared that this is it.

    Oh, I don't know.  Janice got some nice stuff at one of those things.  She got this little ceramic cat that she's got on her tv and some of those silk flowers.  I think they're so pretty.  If you got the place to put them.  My place is so cluttered.

    I told her--Missus Lehman this is--that I thought they should have a plant sale if they wanted to raise some money for the class.  People like to have something alive in their house.

    It's funny.  I don't mind being afraid.

    What'd she think of that.

    I don't know; she didn't say.           

    As long as I know that this is the way it's supposed to be.

    I guess I should call her.

    I don't even mind telling you like this.

    I would.  She sounded anxious to talk to you.

    It's funny.  All your life you're afraid of letting somebody else know that you're scared stiff, but when you finally say it, it's over.

    I'll have to remember to do that tomorrow morning.

    I guess that's why I was never comfortable around your husband.  He always seemed afraid of something and yet he seemed so happy.  I always thought Earl was a little crazy.

    What'd you say, Art?

    And I    What?  Oh, nothing.  I guess I was just daydreaming.  You know how it is.  I start to get up.  I think I'll get myself some of that lemonade you mentioned.  Can I get you ladies anything?

    No.

    No thank you.

    I open the screen door and wipe my feet on the mat.  The backs of their heads glow yellow in the light.  Elvira's hair is growing thin at the crown.  Lorraine stares down the hill.  I get one last whiff of talc and grapes.  I smile and say, Well, it's been nice talking with you.