27

 

       ART

 

    I unroll the papers and lay them on the table.   The rubber band I leave around my wrist.  With the edge of my hand, I smooth the edges and try to get them to lay flat.  She keeps her back to me, cutting and washing the vegetables, edging her way along the counter like it was a conveyor belt.  She gives me no corner of her attention.

    I thought I'd start on the north side; that's where the worst of the water damage is, and that's where I figure we have the most room to work.  Now right through this wall we'll put the living room and over here, the kitchen.  This window'll be the doorway from the one to the other.  Over here we'll have the windows--three windows--and here, the fireplace.

    She cuts and cuts and cuts, the knife making sounds like a clock, ticking down on the cutting board in time to her elbow falling.

    That way running the water and the electric over here won't be any trouble cause it'll be right on the other side of the wall, right next to where the kitchen is now.  I called Walt Simms the other day, and he says he could dig me a foundation starting this Monday.  I told him what I wanted and he said it shouldn't take him any time at all; he's got another job going now, but he can do this sort of thing on the side.  Said it shouldn't take any time to just bring in the  shovel and scoop me out a hole.  Putting in the block might take him a day or two longer than usual, but this time of year I don't figure we can be too choosy.

    I stop and wait, but she takes no notice.  Tick, tick, tick, and slices of carrot fall like dominoes.

    And while he's doing that, I can be tearing up the porch.  That way, when the truck comes to pour the cement, I can have them do that at the same time.  Walt says he knows where I can get some brick for next to nothing, says it was ordered for in at the school where he's working during the day.  Surplus.  Now, you know the kind of stuff the school board usually orders.  Nothing but the best.  If I could get that, we could save a couple of hundred bucks and have better than I would have planned on.  Walt said he'll ask about it for me.

    She takes the little rounds of carrot and carries them, in the bowl of her hands, to the sink.  The cold water pipes rattle.  How much could it cost her to allow that I'm in the room?  Why is that too much to ask?  The knife begins to fall again.  Tick, tick

    Well anyway, after the cement's poured I can concentrate on the framing over here.  I should be able to do that myself.  All in all, I could have it done by the end of July.  You know, once you get started on something like this, it just goes like crazy.  No time at all.

    tick, tick

    After the outside walls are up, I can tear the old stuff out and put a big doorway into the living room here.  The old kitchen wall should be okay but I might have somebody check it out for me.  Hate to find out that the east wall has to go too after I put all that into a new kitchen there.  Once the old wall is out, there shouldn't be any trouble.  No, I don't see any reason why I couldn't have it all done--walls, plumbing, electric, everything--by the end of July.  If we were to

    Is this what he wants?

    Huh?

    Is this what he wants?

    Who?

    Daddy.  Is this what he asked you to do?

    No.  What does he have to do with it?  He asked me to buy it and fix it up, and that's what I'm doing.

    And what does he say to all this?

    So, you were listening.

    Of course I was listening.

    You could have fooled me.

    Well?  What does he say about it?

    I didn't tell him.  Why should I?  It's my house now.  I paid for it, and let me tell you, he didn't do bad

    I don't want to hear about it.  I don't want to hear how much you gave him or whatever.  I just don't want to hear about it.

    Okay, I won't tell you, but I want you to know that I didn't

    She turns her back to me again and gathers the celery to her.  Her voice comes over her shoulder mixed with the tick, tick of the knife, And what am I supposed to do?  You have this all planned out; weren't you gonna say anything about it to me?

    What do you think I've been doing?

    After you already have the plans made out.  How long have you been working on this?

    A little over two weeks.  Since the picnic.

    I knew you were gonna do some fixing, but I never

    Well, I didn't do anything yet.  That's why I have these out here, I want you to tell me what you think, I want your suggestions.  You were good at planning when we built the other house, and you helped when we were fixing up here.  You planned your own kitchen.

    That was a long time ago.

    Not so long.

    I was asked then.

    I'm asking you now!  What do I have to do?

    You're doing fine.  It all sounds very nice.

    Then having the kitchen on the east side suits you?

    She nods, That sounds fine.

    Here, I have a window over the sink.  Remember the window at the old place?  I know how you miss having a window over the sink.  It'll look out over the yard, the orchard.  What do you think?

    She nods.  That would be nice.

    Come here, let me show you.

    She seems to shrink into herself for a moment.  The ticking gets off beat for just a count.  No, my hands are wet.  I'll look later.

    If you didn't want me to do this, why didn't you say so before?

    I said I'll look later.

    All you had to do was say something.  I asked.  Two weeks ago I asked, and you didn't let out a peep.

    I didn't say anything, did I?

    No.

    Well, then.

    What?  Just because you don't rant and rave I'm supposed to know what you're thinking?

    I don't know what you're talking about.

    Yeah.

    You want me to be all happy because you buy that old monstrosity and plan to pour every cent we have into it?  You want me to be happy that we're gonna move in up there, that we're gonna move again?  You want me to look forward to all that mess with the digging and the dirt tracked in and the packing and the yelling and the          Okay, I'm happy!

    I get out of my chair and go and stand behind her.  She knows I'm there, but she still doesn't turn around.  I want us to talk about this like we could've back then, years ago.  I want her to turn around and let me hold her and pound my chest with her fists like she did then.  But the anger is inside her now and never comes out.  I feel the frustration rise in me.  I sometimes hate her for that, for keeping it inside her like that.  I become too little for her to throw her anger at.  Somewhere in the years, I have become not worth the trouble.  The anger, like so much of her, is hers and hers alone.

    I turn away from her again and cross the room to the refrigerator.  I spend a few minutes arranging the magnets on the door.  Bananas, grapes, orange, apple.  I push them across the smooth white surface, lining them up to form a perfect square in the center.  I can hear her cutting behind me.

    We're not talking about the same things, I tell her.  You're telling me that you don't like it and I'm asking why you didn't tell me when I asked you.  I asked you, I wanted to know.

    She whirls on me, Did you?

    Yes.

    What good would it've done?

    Well, it would have saved us this little go round, for one thing.

    You already decided what you were doing.  You just want me to pat you on the back.

    She has that look on her face.  I know this isn't going to get me anywhere, but there is something in the anger that is in both of us that makes me go on.

    No.  No, I wanted your help.  I wanted you to tell me how you felt, but, no, you can never do that, can you?  You want me to feel guilty.  You wait till there's nothing can be done about it and then hit me with it.

    What difference does it make?

    It makes a difference to me!

    She laughs.

    It's the way we feed the anger inside us, keep it alive.  Her laugh continues as she turns around and washes the celery.  Something inside me, something I don't like, laughs with her.  There is a part of me that understands why she laughs and thinks it's funny too.  I'll have to save myself from that.

    I think I'm going to ask Jerry for time off, I tell her as I sit down again.

    Why?  She turns again, the knife in her right hand, the teatowel bunched tight in the other.

    Well, he's been telling me that I got a hundred or so sick days built up.  If I don't use 'em they'll just keep adding up, and when I retire, I'll only get a percentage of the money they'll be worth.  He said it's be better if I just took 'em as a vacation or for something personal.

    So.  This is something personal?

    What?

    Nothing.

    Anyway, he'll never miss me.  I have the orders processed for the next two months, and he can have one of the kids do the invoices.

    You sure you want to give one of them a foot in the door?

    Come dear, this is where you're supposed to tell me that I'm indispensable.  Tell me how they can't do without me.

    We both know better.

    Yeah, but you're supposed to tell me anyway.

    We look at each other for a long time like that.  Finally she goes on with what she was doing.

    Anyway, I'm not worried.  He's not going to let any of them get near those order files.  Sure, he could replace me in a minute, but it's take him a year to straighten things out after I was gone.  I can use the time up at the house.  Working nights and weekends, I could get it done, but this way there won't be as much trouble.  I can still go in whenever he needs me, whenever he calls.

    She checks the oven and shakes the salad dressing.

    What're we having anyway?

    You sat here while I did the whole thing!

    I didn't notice.

    Just smell, Art!  It's pork roast!

    I get up again and place myself at her shoulder, looking at the pans on the stove.  Smells good.

    She nods.

    Oh, yeah.  About the garden.  I thought I'd have Walt dig up a nice big one up there, while he's there.  Won't take him anytime with that shovel.  The ground's better from growing things up there, and since I'm gonna be up there so much anyway, I thought we'd just put it in up there.  What do you think?

    She nods without looking at me, That sounds fine.