23

 

       WES

 

   The riding away is not so much different from the going to; the tension in her is almost visible.  I can feel it radiating from her like heat.  She watches the lights from the approaching cars as they reflect off the glass of the side window.  Her eyes follow them with an interest that I cannot believe she has in the lights of other people's cars, separated from us by more than a grass median.  Her mind is elsewhere.  I can only guess where.

    Are you sure you don't want me to drive?  She asks as if she knows I am thinking about her.  Sometimes she is too close that way.

    No, I'm okay.  I'd rather.

    Okay.  She returns her eyes to the side window.

    Well, what'd you think?

    About what?  Her voice is already slightly absent; she is on her way back there.

    About today.

    What about it?  It was like we thought.  Are they ever any different?

    No, I suppose not.  One can only hope.

    I shouldn't say that; they're not that bad.  Probably be fun if we'd let it.

    Sorry.

    About what?

    I didn't realize I was ruining it that much for you.

    Did I say that?  I said we.  I didn't mean

    I know, but I do tend to be a bit          I try.

    I know you do, she smiles.  You seemed to get along with Daddy pretty well.  I like it when you two get along.

    I can take your father all right as long as we keep it pretty frivolous.  You know, half way between small talk and politics.

    Baseball!  Her laugh takes the interior of the car by surprise; it reverberates with the light springy lilt.

    Baseball, I sound as mournful as I can.

    She finds this very funny.  She can barely speak, Oh, I know what you've been through.  I'm so sorry, I know you don't like baseball.

    Oh, don't let it bother you.  I have something to talk about o the train now.  Ever since I started reading the sports page of The Times so I can talk to your father, I've become more popular on the train.  I seem to be the only person on earth that follows it with an ulterior motive.  I've come to almost like it.  Kansas City looks pretty good this year.

    Do they?

    Yes, they do.  And you?  How are you doing?

    Me? Quite well, she laughs.

    Really?

    Yes, my mother was pretty good, and Daddy seemed pretty happy that we were there.  I think he misses me when I'm not there.

    And she doesn't?

    Her answer does not come immediately.  No, I don't think so.

    Well, I don't think your father was too happy when we left.  I don't think you should have brought it up again.

    Yeah, he does seem to be awfully touchy about that.  I thought he was going to get really mad.

    That wasn't really mad?

    Oh no, you've never really seen him angry.  I thought he was going to explode when I told him we were getting married.

    Well, I'm not exactly

    No, it wasn't you.  It was that I told him.  I still don't understand why he was so hot today; I just asked him why he was even considering it and you'd have thought I'd done something    I don't know          awful.

    Well think about it, you asked him a question that he's asking himself.  You asking it only reminds him that he doesn't have an answer.

    Is that so bad?

    Terrible.  There's nothing worse for a man like your father.

    A man like my father?

    If you're used to having all the answers, it's not easy to admit you're stumped. 

    Well, do you understand it?

    Why he'd do it?  No, I don't, but I think he will.

    Why?

    I don't know.  I just think he will.

    No reason?

    No reason.

    She is silent for a long time.  I think she is digesting my intuitive predictions but when she speaks again it seems not.  I feel sorry for him.  I think he wants me to be there with him more, but I don't know.  She shakes her head.

    But, he must see that your mother won't allow you that close.  He must see that.

    I don't know, I guess he does.  I guess she just hates me.

    No, I say.  She's just jealous.

    Of what?

    You have a chance          education, a job, a career.

    All the things she laughs at.

    Did you ever ask yourself why?

    She doesn't reply.

    You know, I used to wonder about the characters in movies and romantic novels; how do they get along after the big struggle?  You know what I mean?  You know, how do John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara live with each other on a day to day basis after he's rescued her from the comancheros?  After the tension they lived through together, how can they ever just be happy with the little ranch he's always dreamed about in Montana?  Is that silly?  Do you see what I mean?

    Yes

    How do they face each other?  Is it an anticlimax?  Are they a constant reminder to each other?  I saw a movie once where these two people were plane wrecked in Alaska or somewhere--it was supposed to be a true story--and although they were totally different from one another, they became very close and maybe even had some kind of love just because of the situation.  They had to depend on each other.  But when they were rescued--this is the funny part--from the moment they were put on the plane out, they acted like they'd never met, like it never happened.  The voice over said in all the years since it happened they'd never gotten in touch, never spoken a word.

    Ed Asner and Sally Struthers.

    Yeah, that's right!  Isn't that spooky?

    Uh huh.  What are you getting at?

    Oh.  Well, I used to wonder about that, but now I don't think it would be so bad.  What your parents do everyday is more amazing to me.

    She punches me in the arm and laughs.  Oh, you!  All  that for a punch-line like that!  You're terrible!

    No, I'm not kidding.  I'm serious!  Think about it.  The amount of violence they put each other through on a daily basis.  What your mother will say to him          I find it amazing.

    She is more serious, I don't think you're very funny.

    I'm not trying to be.  It puts daring desert rescues to shame for sheer heroism.  I don't see why he doesn't leave her.

    Did you ever think it could be love?

    Oh, I'm sure it is.  I'm sure he loves her          for something she once was.  But love just won't cut it.  There has to be more.

    Maybe there is.

    Yeah, maybe

    Would you?

    Huh?

    Would you go?

    Yes.

    You'd leave me?

    I was keeping this purely analytical.  I'd rather not let it get that personal.

    You were talking about my family.

    Yes, but in an analytical way.

    Yes.  But you'd leave me?

    If you treated me like that?

    Okay, if I treated you like that.

    Yes.

    She is silent, and I hurry to explain, I don't think you would do that.  I just don't have that kind of tolerance, that penchant for masochism.

    A minute ago you called it heroic.

    Whatever.  I'm afraid I don't have it.

    She turns back to the window and stares at the light.  Sighing, I return my full concentration to driving.

    Surprisingly, she speaks.  I thought Janice looked good.

    Yes, I respond, not sure what I'm supposed to say, where this is going.  She looks as if she's lost some weight since the baby was born.

    I should hope so!  She was so big!  She just bloated up all over!

    Did you mention your new job?

    No, she wouldn't care.  I told Daddy and my mother, but Janice wouldn't think anything of it.

    Sure she would!  You should give her a chance.

    You don't know her like I do.  She's always been          I don't know

    Dumb?  I grin, knowing that isn't what she means; I am aware of Janice.  

    Oh, no!  I don't think there's a dumb bone in her body.  We're just not alike.  We don't understand each other, we don't appreciate each other's values.  I never understood it.  We didn't go to school together, but when we came to visit she had boys hanging around her like you wouldn't believe.  Like worker bees around the queen.  I never understood it; she's not that pretty.

    Maybe it was something else

    No, not that.  I don't think she was easy or anything like that; she seemed oblivious to them.  It was more like there was something drawing them.  They were always driving up and down the street and gazing in the windows as if they were starstruck.  Uncle Earl used to say he'd have to put up a barbed wire fence.

    She doesn't seem to exude any kind of bewitching aroma.  Jim smells a bit like beer, but

    No, it's gone.  She's different now.  Ever since she got married it just seemed to fade away.  She really came into form when Jimmy was born.  I've never seen anything like it--if there was ever a born mother!  And after Derek

    What?

    I don't know.  She just doesn't seem to be attuned to the same reality as the rest of us. Ever see her look up at something after she's been stating at one of the babies?  It's as if she's confused, as if she can't believe it.  She can't fully believe in anything that hasn't come into existence, head first, from between her own two legs.

    I laugh.  Oh, Susan!  You don't come with them often, but when you do, it's worth the wait!  Oh, that's a good line!

    I wasn't trying for a laugh, she smiles.  Sometimes I see her look at Jim with this look like, Who are you?  If she didn't give birth to it, it's not real.

    Well, she seems happy.

    Yes, very happy.  I'm glad; she took Uncle Earl's death hard.  Now, she just acts like it never happened.  I'm glad she's happy.

    Not like Doug.

    No, not like Doug.  He's not happy at all.  We used to be very close, but he seems so distant now.  After we moved here, Doug and I used to do all kinds of things together.  But then I went to college and           Well, I guess we just drifted apart.

    He seems to be in the same place.

    You mean I'm the one that did the drifting?

    Well, are you the same little girl?

    No, but    I see.

    If you want to be friends with your cousin you'll have to be the one to make the effort.

    Maybe I will.  The next time we're down, I'll have to talk to him.  How'd you ever get to be so smart?  She smiles and leans on my arm, pulling it close to her.

    It's not so hard when you're on the outside.

    The outside.  That sounds lonely.

    No, not at all!  The best seat in the house!  It's just that I'm not on stage, that's all.

    You could be if you wanted.  She lays her head on my arm.  Her voice sounds tired.

    No, I'm fine where I am.  Thanks anyway.  Well, we've talked about everyone in the family          except Eric and your grandfather.

    I don't think he'll be around much longer.

    Oh, I think he's a lot stronger than you give him credit for.

    Yeah?  What makes you think so?

    I shrug, unable to articulate what I sense about the old man.  I don't know.  Just a hunch.

    Okay, she agrees brightly and hugs my arm tighter.  Any hunches about Eric.

    No.  Eric is a puzzle.

    She seems to stare into the pale green light of the radio, her head almost in my lap.  She sighs.  The white lines flash by us.